No, Seriously, I Am

Hold on to your dentures, Edna, because you’re not going to believe what I’m about to say.

I am reading a self-help book.

No, seriously. I am reading it. AND TAKING NOTES.

I know, it boggles the mind, and most of you don’t even know me. Before I tell you about this book, I am not–repeat, not–going to tell you the name of it. This is for several reasons, the main one being these people aren’t paying me to endorse the book, and why buy the cow, you know?  Another reason is I don’t want to hear that you read the book and it was the biggest load of manure you’ve experienced since touring the elephant exhibit at the zoo.

Essentially, the book is about how we parent out of anxiety, and that parents would do better to remember that parenting is not about kids. It’s about parents. Yeah, that one kinda made my head explode, too. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me.

The woman who recommended it to me is someone I trust completely. She said to me that she was going to tell me about this book and that I would want to punch her in the face, but that I should stifle for a second. So I did. And then she told me that there was nothing new in this book for me. It was not reinventing the wheel, she said. It would, she thought, give me some tools and help me to put theory into practice.

So, I’m a fast reader and am almost finished with it, and I like the way it’s written, for the most part. What I do not like is what I don’t like about any self-help tome. Like why do you need to keep talking about your method? Let’s say I’m reading The Lemonade Life Method: How to Turn Life’s Bitter Citrus into Life’s Sweet Refresher. At many points in the book, it will say something like, “With The Lemonade Method, you will be able to squeeze sweetness out of every pithy situation.” Or maybe it’s something like, “Using The Lemonade Method will not change your life. YOU change your life. The Lemonade Method is just a recipe you can follow to delicious results.” Self-help books, I’ve found, enjoy being meta. And they also like crappy clichés. Oh, and they like to refer to crappy clichés a lot. Like this one talks a lot about whether picking one’s battles is a good cliché to use about kids. For the record, yes, yes, it is.

Self-help books know you, man. They know that if you’re buying them, you’re in it deep, whatever it is. So they slap on extras. Like calendars, and planner inserts, and DVD series. I’m certain that Tony Robbins will be coming out with a line of inspirational tooth whitening strips soon. Or dumbbells that say stuff like, “I challenge you to make your biceps masterpieces,” when you lift them.

Oh, and the seminars. Holy Moses, the seminars. My idea of hell is being stuck in a Wayne Dyer Attract Anything You Want seminar. No, self-help is not cheap. Nor is it something that can be achieved without the use of PowerPoint  presentations.

If I come to your house, I will look at your books. I’m not a snob about it. You read what you want. But if I see shelves of Lemonade Methods, I’m going to wonder if we can be friends. I’m down with an occasional One Minute Manager or Be Here Now, I get it. We’ve all been there. But many more than that and I’m going to wonder what it is you’re looking for, and I’m going to assume it’s a life without effort and responsibility. I’m going to assume you like long walks on the beach and horseback riding in the rain; not because you actually like those things, but because you want to be Enlightened Sensitive Ponytail Man.

One of my favorite books is one called Happiness™ by Will Ferguson. Why did I mention the title of this book and not the other? Most people haven’t read this book and you should. Or else you’re not cool and that cute boy won’t ask you out. This book is about a guy who publishes THE ULTIMATE self-help book. And here’s the thing: It works. They system works. And you know what happens? The world economy collapses because the economy of the world is based on the fact that people are essentially miserable.

I think of self-help books as sort of like getting a recipe for a bomb from a news show. A responsible show will leave out a key ingredient or two so you can’t go home and blow your swimming pool out of the ground. I think self-help books leave out one key ingredient to their formula so it just doesn’t quite work and then you have to get the next book in the series: More Lemonade Methods: Adding Cherries Turns it Pink!

So, yeah, I’m a little annoyed that I’m actually getting useful tools from this book. Tools that I’ve already been able to use in the past day AND THAT WORK, but I’m not fooling myself. The tool does nothing if I don’t pick it up and use it. I don’t know if there’s a sequel to this book. I don’t want to look because if there is, I’m going to be disappointed because I think I’ve got all the ingredients to blow my pool out of the ground.