The Bartender’s Journal: I Like My Men Angry

As some of you know, I used to be married to Jon Gruden, the former coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Oakland Raiders, but recently, I’ve divorced him. I used to love watching him coach, with his crazy blond hair, sexy visor and Motorola headset as he screamed and yelled at the team from the sidelines. I don’t know why, but the man was HOT!! Every time I’d tell someone he was my husband they’d ask, “Chuckie???? WHY?!?!?!” All I could say was, “Cuz he’s HOT!!!” I had no explanation. I thought maybe it was because everyone else had awful taste, or because I had an affinity towards blond men, but I’ve discovered neither is the case. He got fired after last football season and is now a commentator on Monday Night Football. I was so excited when I heard this and vowed to actually watch the games every week just to get a look at my man, but after two weeks, I got bored. Partly because it wasn’t the Bears, but mostly because of him. He was smiling and laughing and talking about the game, but not once did he scream or yell at anyone! He didn’t have his visor on either and I realized just how bad his hair was. So, I divorced him. After considerable pondering, I asked one of my friends, “How wrong is it that I am not attracted to Chuckie anymore because he’s not angry??!!!”

They didn’t answer. Probably out of politeness.

Today, I’m sitting at work. It’s a Friday during the day, so it’s slow. There is this guy who comes in now and then and isn’t freindly. He’s actually kinda rude. So I sent my friend I work with a text and said, “There is this brooding guy who comes in here all the time and he’s hot and has a great body but never speaks except to order food and ask for the check no matter what I say. Actually, He’s kind of a dick but I just want to rip off his clothes. Hmmm…weird. LOL”
Her response, “I think I know who you are talking about. Always sits at table 6 or 7??? Burger??”
“Yep!!!!”
“Is it really funny or really messed up that we’re on the same page here??”
“LMAO!! Do you think it’s the Chuckie syndrome?”
“No, I think it’s because you have eyes.”

I realize this may make me a freak and I’ll be shunned from society, uninvited to parties and my number deleted from phones, but I can’t help it. The anger makes me hot! Maybe cuz I’m a freak, maybe because I’m a Leo and we’re a passionate breed or maybe just because I belong in a zoo myself. However you look at it, these dudes and some others like them have made me swoon. I have a picture of David Coverdale of Whitesnake from the concert I went to this summer and he’s singing into the mic and looking down at the crowd (aka me) and he just looks PISSED and everytime I look at it, my equilibrium fails me a little. What is it about the angry men?? I wouldn’t date someone that was a dick (anymore). I wouldn’t even want to hang out with someone like that, so why am I physically attracted to the angry men!!??? Personally, I think it’s because the anger makes me think they are manly men and that is SOOOO hot! Ya know, the guys who will protect you from harm, can carry you if need be, can kick someone’s ass on your behalf, put you in your place when needed and toss you around the bedroom (in a good way). We may not admit it, but most of us want a guy like that. I wouldn’t want a guy that I could push around.  And I wouldn’t want a guy who couldn’t hold his own with me, make me feel safe or have my back, but I also wouldn’t date a guy that had all those qualities but was just a dick…cuz that’s not hot. If all you have to offer me is anger, I’ve got plenty of that all on my own. Ask the guy who called me a bitch and told me to “stop talking” the other day.

I’ve progressed from dating these angry men to just thinking they are hot, like in a fantasy kinda way. I made the mistake of thinking there was a nice person in there before, but as most people have discovered at least once in their dating life, angry people are generally just angry. Not hot. Not fun. Not nice and most certainly, not good people to have in your life. So, I’ve started dating a man who has all those good qualities that make me crazy for him, but he is NOT angry, is NOT an asshole and can handle himself in any situation. Grrrrrr…