The Bartender’s Journal: Turning Darkness Into Light

This is something that only my friends know about me. I don’t talk about it. I don’t even like to think about it. I am not proud of this, I am embarrassed by it and I hate that I allowed it to happen and especially that I allowed it to happen for as long as I did.

I dated a guy for four years. He swept me off my feet with romance and poetry and a bunch of chivalrous gestures that were wonderful and unexpected and I immediately fell in love with him. I’d never been in love before. I’d been in like, maybe even falling for someone, but never in love. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t even know what had hit me. One day, I’m working at my bar, the next day I’m having drinks with this man and the next thing I know I’m spending every day with him and had fallen in love. I had never been in a long term relationship before, so I was intimidated by the whole thing. I didn’t know what was right or acceptable, I didn’t know what to reveal about myself or life or how to act. I was myself mostly, but was so overwhelmed with the whole affair I just gave myself over to this man. I handed him my heart and let him take me away from myself.

Sounds archaic. Sounds stupid. It was. I saw the warning signs. Gradually, he would take all the things I told him about me, my pain, my insecurities, my past and my inexperience and started using it against me. He’d convince me that something that was normal, wasn’t, and that I didn’t know any better and how stupid was it that I didn’t know any better? He’d make me feel bad for anything he could get me to feel bad about. I loved this man and wanted to make him happy. I felt like I was all wrong about how things worked. I knew I had a lot to learn, but I didn’t realize I was being worked. Once he realized he had me hooked, he started taking full advantage of me. He told me in different ways every day that he and everyone else knew that I was fat, ugly and stupid. I had nothing to offer anyone and wasn’t I lucky that he stayed with me? Mind you, it was rarely that obviously stated. Sometimes, he’d say things blatantly, but mostly, he said things in ways that I didn’t realize he was putting me down. Like, “I saw someone wearing that dress you have. If you lost a few pounds you’d look almost as good.” Or “How do you not know what that is? Maybe you should go to college so you can keep up.” He’d turn me away when I asked for affection, just to prove I was worthless. He’d refuse to do things I asked him to do and then when I asked him again or told him I was hurt, he’d call me a nag or tell me it was ridiculous to ask him to pick a flower from his garden for my hair for a wedding. I would look stupid with a flower in my hair so I should thank him for not letting me look bad. He’d get my girlfriends drinks and leave me without. He’d flirt with girls in front of me. He’d tell me about how beautiful and talented and accomplished his ex’s were just to point out that I would never be as good. If we had a fight or I tried to leave him, he would sleep in front of the door so I couldn’t leave.

This was all a gradual progression. The beginning was storybook. It seemed too good to be true and it was. I saw the warning signs but I thought I was being overly sensitive or just scared to take the leap so I ignored them. Once I started seeing that he was not who he said he was, I was too far gone to be fully aware of what was happening and started making excuses and saying things like, “it’s a bad week.” Or “He’s having a hard time, It’ll get better if I’m nicer to him and try to be more understanding and giving.” All that did was give him more fuel to treat me like shit. Eventually it lead to him hitting me. First it was a shove or grabbing me. Then one day we were walking home from a bar and I sat at the bottom of the stairs to our apartment and jokingly said, “I’m too tired to walk up three flights in heels. Carry me!!” giggle giggle. He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me up those three flights of stairs. I didn’t leave. I’d never had a boyfriend and I thought something was wrong with me that no man stayed with me. I was perpetually getting dumped and blown off so who was I to argue with this man who was confirming my fears? I was, in fact, unlovable. I was 29 years old and no one had bothered to date me for more than three months so obviously, he was right. He was the only one who would ever love me, so why would I leave?

One day we had a fight. I’d had enough and told him so. He layed down on the couch and tried to ignore me, but I wasn’t having it. I sat on him trying to hug him and get him to talk to me. He grabbed me, and threw me across the room, breaking my wrist. Did I leave? Nope. He apologized and never hit me again. He did however continue to put me down, lie to me and cheat on me. I finally left him. I moved into my own place and the man I fell in love with showed up and didn’t leave for the few months we were apart. Tiffany’s gifts started appearing again and he was kind and thoughtful and affectionate again. I thought, ‘He’s himself again.’ I trusted him and went back to him. My family accepted him even though they knew what he’d done. My friends were polite as well. My happiness was all that mattered to them, even if they knew better. His family, on the other hand, hated me and made sure I knew it. They refused to acknowledge me and if they did it was with a scowl on their face thru gritted teeth. They even went so far as to accuse me of poisoning him when he had an allergic reaction that sent him to the hospital. He told me that was all in my head.

Eventually, I began to realize that he was a liar. He lied about his heritage, his degrees, his life, his past and most importantly, about the man he claimed to be. He was not the only person that would ever love me. I was better than that. I was better than him. I was not a loser. I was not the fat, ugly, stupid woman he wanted me to believe I was. I was a beautiful person inside and didn’t deserve the ugliness he brought to my life. I left him after four years. It took me another four years to get him to stop calling, texting and stalking me. The last message I got from him was that he was the only person on earth that ever loved me. Even my family had told him to run. That even my own family didn’t love me. He tried to get some of my friends to tell him where I was working or living and they wouldn’t tell him. They protected me from him. They picked me up after that ordeal and have never let go.

I know the experts say it’s not your fault. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But I am. I knew better. I saw the warning signs and ignored them because I wanted a man in my life. I ignored the nagging feeling that he was not telling me the truth about himself because I couldn’t accept that I’d been so wrong about him. That the man I met was not even a real person but a figment of BOTH of our imaginations. He created this perfect man and I allowed him to sell it to me. I am sad that I did that to myself, but I am so very proud that I not only got out of that relationship, but have stayed strong. I’ve stayed away from him, and I’ve stayed away from other predators that sense my vulnerabilities. If I’m dating someone and they show anything similar, I leave…no…I RUN! I’ve been single since. I have been scared to let anyone in. I’ve been terrified of feeling that kind of pain.

I’m most proud of the fact that he didn’t break me. He tried. But I survived and am still me. I have a lot to offer. I know that now. It’s taken me a while to figure that out, but over the years, I’ve realized that I am far from perfect but a good person who deserves love. I know that anyone who is with me will benefit more than languish from being with me. The man I choose, I hope will feel like he’s lucky to have me. I know that I haven’t lost the way I love…wholeheartedly, fully, unabashed. I know that I still fear the worst but hope for the best. I know that I still have my fierce loyalty intact, that I still believe that fighting for the relationship is always a better option than running away at a bump in the road. I know that I will do anything for someone I love but will never trade my self-worth or who I am to do it. I know that that situation was awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but that it made me smarter, stronger, more compassionate and more aware. Most importantly, it made me grateful. I will always be appreciative of someone good in my life because I’ve seen the other side. I’ve seen the darkness in the world up close and will always be grateful to someone who brings light.

To the man who has brought that light to my life…I do and will always acknowledge your goodness. I hope that you understand that you are a gift I will always treasure.