Kittens Farting Rainbows

I love my shoes.

Yes, this is not only NOT a shock to anyone who has seen my Facebook page lately, but to anyone who may have seen me in the last few years…(Meaning like, ten!) I have an obsession with shoes. I also love a great outfit. I’m a girl, so it’s always been there, itching to get out. As a child, we were poor, I had to walk uphill both ways to and from school. Ok, just kidding. I was checking to see if you were actually paying attention.

ANYWAY,  we didn’t have a lot of money growing up, so I got a lot of hand-me-downs from my sister, and then the cheap Kmart or Venture crap that was, yes, on sale. (Anyone remember Venture?!?!?!) A few things about this. The hand-me-downs were on their way out when my sister got them, yes on sale and clearance, but none-the-less, still in style, so imagine what era they fell in four plus years later. I was ridiculed for the crap I had to wear. The shit I got new wasn’t much better because it was the shit no one else wanted. Ya know, the ugly styles, the weird cuts and the god awful left over colors. I had one pair of pants that had different colored fruit all over them. I was about 80 pounds when I was in grade school and not much more through high school, so things just hung on me. I know, ‘cry me a river you skinny bitch!’ Well, it sucked. I had no figure, no curves…nothing to fill out any of the bad clothes. Then, I got smart! I’d take things, cut them up, tie them around and VOILA!!! I was MADONNA!! But that didn’t work either because, much like Madonna, I was ahead of my time and ridiculed for taking those risks. Either way, I started taking chances with fashion at a young age, and since I wasn’t conforming with the matching socks to the sweater from Express like the rest of my high school, I was a pariah.

Honestly, I was pissed we couldn’t afford those matching sets of conformity that the rest of the rich girls had and would have happily been a lemming, but in retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened. I didn’t get sucked into what everyone else was doing because, well, they wouldn’t have me. I had a hard time making friends and a harder time getting dates. What does my sucky teenage social life have to do with fashion?? EVERYTHING!! Find me a social pariah and I’ll show you a famous actor, fashion designer or successful business professional. Also, maybe throw in a serial killer or two, but ya know, at least they didn’t follow the norm!

Fashion is about taking chances, coming up with the next best thing and making it trickle down to those little lemming bitches who buy what all their little lemming friends are buying. It’s about making you feel beautiful and lovely and sophisticated or edgy and like the best person you can be. I know that men probably may not get this, but guys, try to imagine the day you had on your new polo or a great suit and tie and women looked at you differently, or your wife couldn’t stop gushing about how handsome you were. That feeling??? We strive for it every time we put on an outfit. It’s what makes us get up early to do our hair and put together an outfit to make our work day that much more tolerable. We do it for the men, sure, cuz what is a world without someone telling you how hot you are? But we mainly do it for ourselves. I didn’t get what I was doing when I was younger, but it finally came together about ten years ago when I was working my ass off and making enough money to SHOP for the first time in my life the way I wanted. I realized that I lacked confidence for a host of reasons that would keep a therapist busy for years, but fashion was a way for me to help boost my confidence and to feel better about myself. I started straightening my hair, playing with different ways to do my makeup and wearing outfits that made me feel the way I’d always wanted to feel. It wasn’t as shallow as it sounds. It is simply a way to give me that initial boost to get to where a lot of people come to naturally. We all need a little something extra to help us get to where we need to be. Mine? Fashion.

Shoes were always part of the shopping agenda, but initially I had to get the rest of my wardrobe going in order to get to the point where my full focus could be on the SHOES! It was a gradual progression. I got one cute pair, and then I liked those so much I had to have something like them for another event. Then I found a pair on sale and who could pass that up??? Then one day I was wearing a pair of shoes and someone went nuts over them. The gushing, the compliments…it was too much! The last nail in the shoe-obsessed coffin was the way I felt in them. I felt tall and pretty and like I could do anything, I was totally and completely hooked.

One good thing that came from being poor and having to ALWAYS shop the sales? That stuck with me. You want something cheap that doesn’t look cheap, wear cheap or make you feel like it’s cheap? Take me shopping with you. I can shop sales, clearance and any version of that and get you exactly what you want for whatever occasion you are looking for, and on top of it?? You will get people stopping you on the street to tell you just how fabulous you are. My girlfriend Johanne takes me shopping with her whenever she needs ANYTHING…home goods, swimsuit cover-ups, dresses and of course…shoes. She says that no matter when she wears a pair of shoes I tell her to buy, someone stops her and tells her how exquisite they are. She gets compliments on most of the stuff I help her pick out, but the shoes are an absolute guarantee.

It took me a while to realize that just because something was only five dollars didn’t make it a deal. I spent hundreds of dollars on “deals” that sat in my closet with the tags on them till I finally gave up and got rid of them.  I’ve bought shoes because they were a good deal or just too cute to pass up, and then suffered through painful nights out, blisters or looking like a child trying to walk in my mother’s shoes because they kept falling off my feet. I now only buy things that I HAVE to have. You know that feeling when you put something on it feels like it was made for you?

That’s how I felt when I bought this particular pair of shoes for my birthday this year. They were $90…waaaaaaay more than I would normally spend on myself, but it was my birthday and these shoes are heaven. They are the new ankle boot, open toe, natural color suede with a black and natural snakeskin platform and stiletto heel with the same snakeskin large flower on the side of the shoes. I was at Cirque de Soliel the other day and as we were leaving the theater, this woman stopped me and said, “I had to stop you and tell you how amazing your shoes are! I saw them in the bathroom and had to tell you…those shoes are breathtaking!” I was flattered and giddy! Every time I put those shoes on I feel like a million bucks.

If you have an outfit that makes you feel like that sweet woman made me feel, then it’s natural that you would want to have more like it to feel that way as often as possible. I love my shoes because they make me feel like I can accomplish just about anything. Maybe it’s silly that I wear them at inappropriate times, or even shopping but to me it helps me feel confident and sexy. A great outfit and a fabulous pair of shoes are all I need to make the world seem a little sweeter, a little more tolerable and little less intimidating.